Growing up as a gay kid trying to conform to straight norms is confusing, to say the least. We would have chastity lessons in church reminding us not to date before we were 16, don't steady date before 18, don't get involved in heavy sexual petting or kissing, don't lay on top of each other. My thoughts: why would I want to do any of that? Especially the laying on top of each other: what? Who would want to do that? I remember telling friends and family how disgusting kissing was to me. Since I only thought of kissing girls and I was not attracted to any, it was the weirdest and most uncomfortable thought in my life.
Kiss them? Why would I want to sit there and exchange saliva with them? We might as well spit in separate cups, switch the cups, and then drink for how I felt about it. That's horrendous.
Now, I'm not one of those gays to say: "Boobs are gross" (which I've known them to say), I respect and can appreciate the female body. I'm just not attracted and I don't want to kiss you. I'm sorry.
In any case, many gay guys had conflicting feelings on their moral stance when it comes to chastity. On the one hand, (at least culturally) we are told that homosexuality is such an abomination that even the attraction means certain damnation. So there is a large sense of shame and guilt revolving around that feeling. But then again, I remember thinking I was so chaste because I never had the desire to disrespect any girl's body. I'd think: Look how good of a Mormon I am! Oh wait, I'm gay. I'm going to Hell.
If being attracted to men in a heterosexual society isn't confusing enough, feeling that you are a good Mormon and going to Hell at the same time is going to do the trick.
So, lately I've been meeting a lot of gay guys and getting to know them and I've had a couple of revelations, all revolving around the fact that now I understand straight people better.
* I understand why kids wanted to date. Sure, dating was fun. But the thought of going on a date with someone I'm attracted to is exhilarating.
* I understand why, while dating, the people want to be together so often. Looking back at the couple of serious relationships with girls that I had attempted, I was always confused why the girl always wanted to be with me. I enjoyed my space and didn't feel the need to hang out or talk every single day. My thoughts were: if we are always together, then what will we talk about. Again, broaching the subject of dating guys, I understand. How great it would be to be with someone you are attracted to and who understands you. Wow. That would be awesome.
* I understand kissing. In fact, it seems great. I'll drink the cup any day. (Wow, that sounds weird).
* I understand why chastity was talked about so often as a child. Growing up, it seemed like a moot point: yes, don't have sex. And I just didn't understand why someone would want to have sex with a girl. After opening myself up to my sexuality, I see that if I had been dating guys as a youth, chastity would have been a subject that I would have needed to talk about...and possibly frequently.
In short, I get you straight people. I used to think that you were all crazy relationship nuts, and now I finally understand that you are normal. (Like me, but fortunately for you, your normal is socially accepted). I can relate to your cravings for close and tight-knit dating relationships, and I would like to apologize to all the girls I dated who I thought were crazy for being so clingy. It all makes sense!
So, question for you: what did you think about the law of chastity growing up? How did it influence your relationships? Did you try to date girls (or were you successful)?
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