Tearing Yourself From the Darkness

One of the greatest messages I hear from the gay Mormon community (which I think corresponds quite well with that of the general gay populace) is hope for the future and for living life well now. The purpose of the movements and for blogs like this is to help people who are struggling to realize that there are possibilities/choices/opportunities for them in life. Hope and optimism, while feelings that everyone needs and wants, finds particular meaning in the gay community. This is partly why I finally came to accept my sexuality and approach other gay people, albeit warily: they were happy and hopeful.

However, underlying many of these people's stories of acceptance and possibility is a history of dark struggle and deep turmoil. I don't have too much knowledge about gay people outside of the LDS religion, but for those within that church I can empathize with the struggle that being gay and Mormon places on a person. It seems at many times that there is an impossible tug-of-war between the two. This situation has caused many to contemplate, attempt, and even commit suicide.

This last week or so I realized that I had found my dark place again. I had started to resent everything about the world, society, and God. I find myself throwing my anger back at God many times. I don't know why it is. Maybe I think an all-powerful God that sees so much struggle should have the power to alleviate it. Maybe I think an all-loving God that sees so much struggle would want to do so. He should know that I can't handle this, or that I wish for an easier life, or that I have a myriad of other worries so it would be really nice if this situation just simmered down. I've gotten past the point of wanting to not be gay anymore, because let's be honest, sometimes it can be pretty great. However, I wish that social pressures were different, that church members were more understanding, and that His doctrine was just a little more clear.

Well, with these thoughts ruminating in my head, I was reading Descartes' Meditations for my philosophy class and I came across a little gem: "Indeed, I have reason to give thanks to [God] who has never owed me anything for the great bounty that he has shown me, rather than thinking myself deprived or robbed of any gifts he did not bestow."

Wow. I think too often I dwell on the negative or difficult parts of my life without realizing that there is a plethora of things I don't have to worry about. I know this seems like just another "be grateful and you'll be happy" post, but seriously. God is not intentionally depriving or robbing us of a happy life or an easier time. One of the things that I believe most about God is that he puts us in situations that will give us the greatest possibility of happiness and success (however you want to define it) in this life and the next (if you want to believe in it).

Following that, my homosexuality is really just a means to a happier and more fulfilling life. Shouldn't I seek to embrace that possibility? I'm not suggesting that someone leave the church and marry a man (not that it is a bad thing either). I just think that this is something that God has given me to have a wonderful time on earth--even a fun time. Why not? Why can't I be happy and gay and Mormon? God wants that! I think I need to remind myself that, instead of identifying ways that being gay can be problematic, I can actually look for ways that it makes me happy. (Not that it makes me "blessed", but just happy and hopeful).


So, a couple questions for the gay Mormon populace: how do you see being gay as a means to be happy? also, what are your ways for pulling yourselves out of hard times?

Labels

Often you will hear many individuals who are attracted to the same-gender identify with a variety of different labels: gay, homosexual, SSA (same-sex attraction), SGA (same-gender attraction), etc. Before I start this topic, I personally feel that in conversations with someone who who identifies as one of these categories that we should use the term that they choose to employ. Some people feel uncomfortable using the term "gay", understandably so. I also know many gay men who hate or feel offended by the use of "SSA" or "SGA". I always appreciate when someone asks me how I identify myself and then conform to that terminology.

I would like to go through the two main terms (SSA/SGA vs. Gay) and explain why some people use one or the other.

SSA/SGA: It's not in the scope of this post to debate whether attraction is to a sex or a gender; I'll leave that to the gender scholars. In any case, these terms themselves are used in a variety of ways. (For a fun side note, I asked google "What does SGA mean?" and I came up with economics, "small for gestational age", and an Old Irish language code.) Most of the people that I know who utilize this term or identify as such use it in the phrase of "experiencing Same Gender Attraction". For some, they view homosexuality as a mortal experience, one that will be overcome or disappear after this life. Others have told me they still can't accept themselves as gay and have even admitted using it as a cop-out to avoid "coming out to themselves completely." 

Some people feel uncomfortable being part of "gay culture" and so they use SGA to explain their sexuality without the stigma. I find this understandable as looking in modern dictionaries, gay has become used as a derogatory term. I mean, most kids growing up in the 90s (holla) can remember that if someone or something was boring, stupid, or undesirable the easiest way to describe one's opinion of it was to call it "gay". Even I would call things 'gay' as a child...oh the ironies of life! Also, 'gay culture' at the turn of the century brought ideas of promiscuity, sin, and pride parades. Today, it is a common stereotype that 'gay' folk are "artsy, creative, and colorful". Many people attracted to the same gender do not identify with that cultural sphere and so a different terminology helps them accept their sexuality, but not the cultural stigmas.

Gay: This term usually is used when describing homosexuality as part of one's being. It creates a distinction from SSA (experiencing) by owning the sexuality (I am gay). Of those who use this term that I've encountered, many do so to express that this is part of them and they have come to accept it. Many are actively involved in 'queer culture' and this is a term with which they can identify. Some ex-Mormons switched from SSA to gay as a means of separating themselves from the Church. Again, the use of this term itself can range from a simple "it's the easiest way to describe my situation" to a full acceptance of homosexuality in both sexuality and culture. However, rarely is there a connection between the use of the term "gay" and that person's sexual encounters (just FYI).

So, I have been asked why I identify as 'gay'. I don't participate in queer culture (drag queens aren't my thing and I've never been a fan of regular parades, let alone Pride). While I am quite involved in music, I'm not as artsy as the norm and I identify more with sports. So, some people wonder why I keep that term. So, here are some reasons.

1. It is far more fun to "come out" to a friend as 'gay' than as "experiencing same-gender attraction". I like to have fun in life.

2. For me, the use of SSA sounds far more clinical and diagnostic, rather than what I'm living or 'being'. Being gay, for me, is not something to fix or that can be changed. It is not something to which you prescribe a remedy, but part of who I am. 

3. My main reason, however, is that the word experiencing SSA, again, makes the situation seem temporary, like an emotion, trial, or as my therapist says: a fart (which I still don't think that is a valuable connection). I experience happiness come and go, but I don't wake up on the wrong side of the bed as a straight person. 

I've thought about this quite extensively. I've prayed to God, I've read doctrines on our eternal nature and the consequences of the resurrection. Personally, the more I understand myself as a gay man, the more I feel that this is not a temporary, mortal situation. This is just as eternal as my gender (see the Proclamation to the World). My sexuality, even though it is towards men, is just as sacred to me as sexuality that God created to create life. I not only would feel incomplete without this part of me, but I think it would change me to a large degree.

To add some humor, I have learned to not only identify as "gay", but enjoy what that entails. For me, life is much more fun as a gay man. My roommate and I took a gender class recently and we made snarky 'gay jokes' all the time. For example, we could not stop laughing when our teacher asked the class to describe what they found attractive. I just leaned in and asked him if he dared me to answer. Could you imagine a gay man at BYU explaining to an unsuspecting gender class what kind of guy was 'most desirable'. Not speaking up is one of the greatest regrets of my life, but it was still humorous. I could go on and on about the humor of being gay, but that really isn't the point of this post.

What can I say? The world needs us.

In short, everyone has valid reasons for choosing how to identify themselves. I personally find it appropriate to make others feel comfortable by using their chosen label and it is always an interesting discussion when you ask them why. What do you guys think? Why do you choose one or the other?

For some other thoughts on the subject, here are some interesting articles:

Why I Call Myself A Gay Christian?

How I Came to Call Myself Gay
The Righteous Gay: "Labels" are not my name
Odd Man Out: Letter to LGBT or SSA Freshman at Christian Universities

Urban Dictionary: same-sex attraction (Although the example is weird, I think this was surprisingly concise and well-done. There are obvious points that many would disagree with, but take it as an "urban dictionary" post and nothing more.)