Just some feelings...

So, about a month ago I ended my sessions with an amazing therapist. He said I "graduated" even though I felt as ridiculously unbalanced as before. But, he said to email him in a month or so and let him know how things were going. After re-reading the email I just sent him, I realized that it was a good description of how I feel a lot of the time. I wonder if others feel the same way, so here is my email:

I know we said I'd email you after a month, but I don't remember when the last time we met was, so I figured tonight was as good as any. Well, that might not be true, because I'm in one of those "reflective moods" which generally turns out a little depressing sounding.

In any case, I'm doing 'fine'. That's generally the answer that I give people when they ask, even though it makes them a little uncomfortable that I don't say something more positive. 

The real issue is that I'm having an internal "freak out", but I'm managing to keep everything under control on the surface (whatever that means). It feels like a large rush of rage, anger, frustration, fear, desperation, and all the negative feelings are just festering inside me. Ever since school started, things started getting weird, as if I just retreated into my impersonal, academic self. I can't let out emotions around people anymore and I'm always putting on a facade of happiness. I have some close friends that I've told about my stresses, but even then I end up laughing about it to them as if it wasn't a big deal.

Then I watched a film, which you might have seen since it was even on national television, of the two guys in SLC who got engaged (with a rather cheesy flash mob). I instantly became angry and upset. I was furious that my stance in the church wasn't allowing me to have that experience of marriage to a man. I was enraged at my homosexuality that I feel too uncomfortable to have that experience with a woman. It left me quite hopeless and frustrated. I had quite the mini-mental breakdown and had to throw myself at my work to be able to avoid it. But it has left a sour taste in my mouth ever since.

That being said, I'm generally doing well. I'm branching out in my ward trying to meet people and become well-established there. I taught priesthood on Sunday and I've been called as the choir director. I've signed up for some musical numbers as well. A good friend of mine and I climbed Nebo the other weekend and I'm in a soccer class with one of my best friend and on a soccer intramural team. I'm feel quite "well-rounded", but at the end of the day, I just see it as putting a happy veil over a sucky situation. And that may be what it is. But I continue to ask myself if 1) I want to just be repairing cracks in the depression wall the rest of my life, trying to keep the flood at bay. and 2) if that is even possible. 

I've come to the point where I just want to give everything up. I'm so tired of the struggle to stay on top. My dream: move to a beautiful European country, work some base job of minimum wage, and just live. No more worries about homosexuality. I'd just go with the flow. No worries of religion. I'd live in a little Catholic town where the only church is a small parish. No worries of "being the best" and "making it big". I'd be giving all that up for the simple life. It seems so much easier right now.

But, I always come back to realizing that there is more to life than just "making it through". I don't think I could live with myself if I just lived and died. I want to do it well. Whatever that means. That's honestly the only thing from keeping me from running. Oh, if I just had the courage to run. Maybe that same courage could be used to actually face things here.

I don't know what else to say. That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now.

Uh...Yep. This is that moment during our sessions when it gets uncomfortably silent because I have no idea where to go with it.

So, I guess I'm going to hear from you soon. Thanks for all your help.