Question: When and Why do I come out?

What does "coming out" even mean? To some it is essentially linked with accepting the fact that they are attracted to someone of the same gender. Once they have accepted it, they tell others to see who will accept them as well. Other people "come out" or tell someone of their sexuality to gain support or someone to talk to during hard times.

Growing up, those who "came out" were instantly shunned. The military had quite the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy allowing gay men/women to serve as long as they were not vocal about their sexuality. Other kids in my high school were ostracized. The understanding was that if you were openly gay then you accepted all of the "gay" stereotypes and wanted to fit into that category. But, that rarely is true (in my experience). In fact, just like in many social groups, there more variation within homosexuals than difference between straight and gay people.

So, the question is raised: when should I come out and why should I come out? Essentially, every guy and girl is going to make this decision. I can't speak for everyone and so I'll draft what I think and what happened to me:

If you read other posts, you'll remember that I've known I'm attracted to men since I was going through puberty. This was not a recent development, however, the labeling it as "gay" definitely was. After returning from my mission I started to feel the "marriage and dating and babies" pressure of the young adult Mormon community and finally I had to confront my sexuality; it was no longer something I could ignore.

As I started to recognize my options, I knew I needed to talk to someone. I was sure I was the only gay person alive and so I tried to make people bring it up. I stopped dating women. I went through some deep depression. Anything for someone to ask me what was wrong. Never happened. I've learned lately that trying to get pity from people in order to talk about things never works (at least for me). So, finally, I told my brother.

He is serving is mission and was going through some hard times so I was trying to relate by emailing him my struggles about homosexuality. Then I had a really great friend who had come out to me and I started talking to him about it. Virtually it snowballed into telling a few really good friends who were willing to listen to me talk and work out my issues.

I had decided to tell my parents because, at least out of respect for their status as my parents, I thought they should know. Every time I had wanted to breach the subject, there was always some reason to not: a baby born in the family, someone dies, some other happy or sad event that I don't want to distract from, etc. One weekend they were coming up to visit me at college for a performance. So, I sent them an email beforehand telling them I was gay and that I would like to talk about it when they came up. This put it on the agenda and forced us to talk about it. While I'm glad they know, there really wasn't that much good coming from it. Looking back, I'm glad I did it, but it seems to raise awkward and uncomfortable conversations that my parents seem like they don't want to have. So, I've decided to look elsewhere for support when it comes to these matters.

Since then, I've told other people but on strict conditions. This is essentially my "coming out".
- I am not "holding back" the knowledge that I'm gay, but I don't feel that everyone wants to know or needs to know.
- If someone asks me if I'm gay or why I'm not dating women or something similar, I will respond simply with "I'm attracted to men" or "I'm gay" or something similar. I don't hide it, but I don't publicize it.
- I do tell people that I know can be a source of support. So anyone I trust to really be of help, I talk to about my homosexuality. Choosing good listeners and good supporters is one of the most important skills I think someone can have for dealing with any big life situation.

The question of when to come out was merely when it seems right. Again, I never broadcast, I just let it happen. I think forcing it either way leads to too much trouble. But, to each his/her own. Choose what feels right. If you feel that a large "coming out" would give you strength to move forward, I say go with it. Many friends have done "coming out" blogs, facebook posts, emails, etc. Go with your gut (or with the Spirit). Some people don't feel the need to tell anyone (although I think it is appropriate in almost every case to tell a potential spouse before marriage of one's sexuality).

Thoughts?

Understanding Straight People

So, I've talked to a couple of gay guys about this and I'm wondering how common this feeling is within the Gay Mormon community.

Growing up as a gay kid trying to conform to straight norms is confusing, to say the least. We would have chastity lessons in church reminding us not to date before we were 16, don't steady date before 18, don't get involved in heavy sexual petting or kissing, don't lay on top of each other. My thoughts: why would I want to do any of that? Especially the laying on top of each other: what? Who would want to do that? I remember telling friends and family how disgusting kissing was to me. Since I only thought of kissing girls and I was not attracted to any, it was the weirdest and most uncomfortable thought in my life.

Kiss them? Why would I want to sit there and exchange saliva with them? We might as well spit in separate cups, switch the cups, and then drink for how I felt about it. That's horrendous.

Now, I'm not one of those gays to say: "Boobs are gross" (which I've known them to say), I respect and can appreciate the female body. I'm just not attracted and I don't want to kiss you. I'm sorry.

In any case, many gay guys had conflicting feelings on their moral stance when it comes to chastity. On the one hand, (at least culturally) we are told that homosexuality is such an abomination that even the attraction means certain damnation. So there is a large sense of shame and guilt revolving around that feeling. But then again, I remember thinking I was so chaste because I never had the desire to disrespect any girl's body. I'd think: Look how good of a Mormon I am! Oh wait, I'm gay. I'm going to Hell.

If being attracted to men in a heterosexual society isn't confusing enough, feeling that you are a good Mormon and going to Hell at the same time is going to do the trick.

So, lately I've been meeting a lot of gay guys and getting to know them and I've had a couple of revelations, all revolving around the fact that now I understand straight people better.

* I understand why kids wanted to date. Sure, dating was fun. But the thought of going on a date with someone I'm attracted to is exhilarating.

* I understand why, while dating, the people want to be together so often. Looking back at the couple of serious relationships with girls that I had attempted, I was always confused why the girl always wanted to be with me. I enjoyed my space and didn't feel the need to hang out or talk every single day. My thoughts were: if we are always together, then what will we talk about. Again, broaching the subject of dating guys, I understand. How great it would be to be with someone you are attracted to and who understands you. Wow. That would be awesome.

* I understand kissing. In fact, it seems great. I'll drink the cup any day. (Wow, that sounds weird).

* I understand why chastity was talked about so often as a child. Growing up, it seemed like a moot point: yes, don't have sex. And I just didn't understand why someone would want to have sex with a girl. After opening myself up to my sexuality, I see that if I had been dating guys as a youth, chastity would have been a subject that I would have needed to talk about...and possibly frequently.

In short, I get you straight people. I used to think that you were all crazy relationship nuts, and now I finally understand that you are normal. (Like me, but fortunately for you, your normal is socially accepted). I can relate to your cravings for close and tight-knit dating relationships, and I would like to apologize to all the girls I dated who I thought were crazy for being so clingy. It all makes sense!

So, question for you: what did you think about the law of chastity growing up? How did it influence your relationships? Did you try to date girls (or were you successful)?

Labels 2

When I asked some Gay Mormons what terms they use with SSA or SGA, these are some of the responses I received. Notice the variation:

* When I'm with those who understand my commitment to the gospel, I say gay. Otherwise it's "I have SSA feelings."

* To me. they simply mean the same thing. To me it's the difference between being "fat" and being "chubby" or "overwieght". Just because I identify as 'gay' it doesn't mean that I have to walk in Pride parades and all that. I decide who I am. A label really doesn't mean much. I identify as both as use both interchangeably, but either way I let people know where I stand in regards to the gospel.

* I avoid using both of them. I say "I like guys." Because I like guys, but I do like girls to an extent as well. Gay sound slikes 100% attracted to boys, and SSA still sounds like a disease to me.

* Gay is easier to say. I also feel like some people use "same gender attracted" to make their feelings for the same sex sound more righteous than being gay. Gay, queer, SSA, SGA, homosexual--it still means you like your same sex on a significant level, there no need to sugar-coat it.

* If you refer to yourself as 'gay' i'm going to assume that your living the lifestyle of a gay, and frankly, your kidding yourself if you assume that by saying your gay people are also going to label you 'card carrying Mormon' . if i were to refer to myself as ssa, it opens the door to explanation, rather than having people assume they know what that means, because it is lesser known, and i have ONLY heard that description in the LDS community and people who have unwanted attractions/behaviors...if i were to ask some of my gay friends (from a past life) what ssa meant, they would have no idea, and i love that cause i don't associate with their term of 'gay'. gay DOES imply lifestyle and actions whether you want to admit it or not. and i am not a part of the unicorn crusade to get people to think otherwise, your outnumbered and asking for it. i do not apologize for my opinion on this matter. how do you separate the attraction and the lifestyles?

*  I was really confused at the difference between the two for a long time. I also felt more comfortable calling myself gay because, prior to joining the Church, that was the only phrase I knew. But I've since realized that SSA doesn't imply that I'm living a gay life-style, whereas "gay" (though more easily understood by the majority of people) just didn't fit with my new lifestyle.

* I call a spade a spade and use the term gay. It's up to me and my actions how others perceive me. If people choose to get hung up on their own perceptions and stereotypes, that's out of my control. I'm not hiding behind some watered-down, religious term.

*  I haven't got a preferred self term. I tailor it to the audience. Most people here don't understand the terms SSA or SGA so I tend to have to say gay. It doesn't matter to me.

On the other hand I've heard many leaders say not to use the label 'gay'. But whatever. We were also told not to use the term mormon. Now we have the I'm a Mormon campaign.

*  I think this reflects to what groups we conform to, and SSA is more in line with church's acknowledgement that feeling attraction to same sex is not a sin by itself so SSA is not supposed to induce any feelings of guilt, while term gay is a people coined term which I'd say initially referred to the most controversial aspects of homosexuality which is viewed by church as sinful so therefore, to some people this can help them identify as someone not desiring to sin... I believe identifying with one or the other is for some people a way to make a statement that they are not acting on it (SSA) or that they have an open mind (GAY)

* I use "gay". "SSA" sounds like a disease that needs to be treated. I have never understood the word "gay" to necessarily mean acting on those feelings (which I plan to do) or walk in pride parades (which are stupid).

* I used to say "I have SSA" (with the qualifier in the back of my mind being I wouldn't always have "it"). I am more comfortable with the term "gay" now, and am using it more--but not exclusively. (As a side note, I disagree that using the word "gay" HAS to mean gay sex, pride parades, rainbow flags, and movements to destroy religion. It is, after all, just a word. And yea--the term "SSA" does, in some ways, sound like a disease.

* I tell people i'm gay, though in reality im closer to bi. I just react differently between guys and girls. Its just easier to say gay because it less of an explanation.

* I like SGA because I think people (for better or worse) usually associate "gay" with someone who wants to be in a homosexual relationship or act out on same gender attraction. SGA implies that I don't want to live a more "typical" gay lifestyle. This terminology has become more important since I became married, and I need language to describe this part of me--language that is different from what most people think of when they hear the term "gay." Additionally, I used to say that I "struggle" with SGA, but I now I say that I "experience" SGA or that I am (primarily) same-gender attracted. Sometimes SGA is a struggle, but now I often see it as a blessing.

* For me, SSA IS a disease and I'm fine with that. That doesn't make me any less loved in the sight of God. And I could never call myself "gay" when Mormonism stands as the antithesis of so many things the "gay" community stands for, both in professed principles and in actual practice.

* Perhaps we could come up with a new term.... what about "Faithful And Gay" ... I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. not one bit. nope, looks good. ........... (chuckle!!!)

Labels

Often you will hear many individuals who are attracted to the same-gender identify with a variety of different labels: gay, homosexual, SSA (same-sex attraction), SGA (same-gender attraction), etc. Before I start this topic, I personally feel that in conversations with someone who who identifies as one of these categories that we should use the term that they choose to employ. Some people feel uncomfortable using the term "gay", understandably so. I also know many gay men who hate or feel offended by the use of "SSA" or "SGA". I always appreciate when someone asks me how I identify myself and then conform to that terminology.

I would like to go through the two main terms (SSA/SGA vs. Gay) and explain why some people use one or the other.

SSA/SGA: It's not in the scope of this post to debate whether attraction is to a sex or a gender; I'll leave that to the gender scholars. In any case, these terms themselves are used in a variety of ways. (For a fun side note, I asked google "What does SGA mean?" and I came up with economics, "small for gestational age", and an Old Irish language code.) Most of the people that I know who utilize this term or identify as such use it in the phrase of "experiencing Same Gender Attraction". For some, they view homosexuality as a mortal experience, one that will be overcome or disappear after this life. Others have told me they still can't accept themselves as gay and have even admitted using it as a cop-out to avoid "coming out to themselves completely." 

Some people feel uncomfortable being part of "gay culture" and so they use SGA to explain their sexuality without the stigma. I find this understandable as looking in modern dictionaries, gay has become used as a derogatory term. I mean, most kids growing up in the 90s (holla) can remember that if someone or something was boring, stupid, or undesirable the easiest way to describe one's opinion of it was to call it "gay". Even I would call things 'gay' as a child...oh the ironies of life! Also, 'gay culture' at the turn of the century brought ideas of promiscuity, sin, and pride parades. Today, it is a common stereotype that 'gay' folk are "artsy, creative, and colorful". Many people attracted to the same gender do not identify with that cultural sphere and so a different terminology helps them accept their sexuality, but not the cultural stigmas.

Gay: This term usually is used when describing homosexuality as part of one's being. It creates a distinction from SSA (experiencing) by owning the sexuality (I am gay). Of those who use this term that I've encountered, many do so to express that this is part of them and they have come to accept it. Many are actively involved in 'queer culture' and this is a term with which they can identify. Some ex-Mormons switched from SSA to gay as a means of separating themselves from the Church. Again, the use of this term itself can range from a simple "it's the easiest way to describe my situation" to a full acceptance of homosexuality in both sexuality and culture. However, rarely is there a connection between the use of the term "gay" and that person's sexual encounters (just FYI).

So, I have been asked why I identify as 'gay'. I don't participate in queer culture (drag queens aren't my thing and I've never been a fan of regular parades, let alone Pride). While I am quite involved in music, I'm not as artsy as the norm and I identify more with sports. So, some people wonder why I keep that term. So, here are some reasons.

1. It is far more fun to "come out" to a friend as 'gay' than as "experiencing same-gender attraction". I like to have fun in life.

2. For me, the use of SSA sounds far more clinical and diagnostic, rather than what I'm living or 'being'. Being gay, for me, is not something to fix or that can be changed. It is not something to which you prescribe a remedy, but part of who I am. 

3. My main reason, however, is that the word experiencing SSA, again, makes the situation seem temporary, like an emotion, trial, or as my therapist says: a fart (which I still don't think that is a valuable connection). I experience happiness come and go, but I don't wake up on the wrong side of the bed as a straight person. 

I've thought about this quite extensively. I've prayed to God, I've read doctrines on our eternal nature and the consequences of the resurrection. Personally, the more I understand myself as a gay man, the more I feel that this is not a temporary, mortal situation. This is just as eternal as my gender (see the Proclamation to the World). My sexuality, even though it is towards men, is just as sacred to me as sexuality that God created to create life. I not only would feel incomplete without this part of me, but I think it would change me to a large degree.

To add some humor, I have learned to not only identify as "gay", but enjoy what that entails. For me, life is much more fun as a gay man. My roommate and I took a gender class recently and we made snarky 'gay jokes' all the time. For example, we could not stop laughing when our teacher asked the class to describe what they found attractive. I just leaned in and asked him if he dared me to answer. Could you imagine a gay man at BYU explaining to an unsuspecting gender class what kind of guy was 'most desirable'. Not speaking up is one of the greatest regrets of my life, but it was still humorous. I could go on and on about the humor of being gay, but that really isn't the point of this post.

What can I say? The world needs us.

In short, everyone has valid reasons for choosing how to identify themselves. I personally find it appropriate to make others feel comfortable by using their chosen label and it is always an interesting discussion when you ask them why. What do you guys think? Why do you choose one or the other?

For some other thoughts on the subject, here are some interesting articles:

Why I Call Myself A Gay Christian?

How I Came to Call Myself Gay
The Righteous Gay: "Labels" are not my name
Odd Man Out: Letter to LGBT or SSA Freshman at Christian Universities

Urban Dictionary: same-sex attraction (Although the example is weird, I think this was surprisingly concise and well-done. There are obvious points that many would disagree with, but take it as an "urban dictionary" post and nothing more.)

A Summary of My Journey

So, let's go back to the second thing you need to know: me.

I grew up in a relatively good-sized family (5 kids, parents). I've got 2 awesome brothers and 2 awesome sisters. My neighborhood included a decent amount of Mormons, so I never had a lacking in peer support when it came to facing the world (that was always nice). My family was a typical Mormon family: imperfect. We'd fight and bicker (we were a pretty loud bunch, but I LOVE that). We went to church every Sunday, all the boys got their Eagle Scouts, we had FHE pretty much every week, read scriptures at 5am every morning (I don't know if I'll ever be glad that it was that early), etc. It was pretty ordinary.

Oh wait. I'm gay.

I knew I was gay before I was passing the sacrament in church (which is 12 years old for those who aren't familiar). I never labeled it as "gay", but more "I'm attracted to guys...this isn't what they said would happen." It was always there as I grew up, but I never knew what it would mean post-mission. I mean, goals for most people in the church (gay or straight) would relatively be the same until their mission: priesthood ordinances, scouting, school, sports, extracurricular activities, some college or work, mission. The problem comes after the mission: all the conference talks and all the church lessons suddenly become about marriage and dating. Seriously, all of them.

Oh wait. I'm gay.

So, being at BYU only increases the amount of pressure a young adult receives in the church. It wasn't that I didn't try to have a relationship with females. I went on dates often and seriously dated around 5 girls during my first couple years and dated another during the last year who knew I was gay. They were all wonderful young women and most of them I think we would have worked well together.

Oh wait. I'm gay.

I finally had to consider what my options were. Finally I put a name to what I had been experiencing and accepted the term "gay". I mean this simply in that I am attracted to men. I don't quite fit into gay culture (drag queens don't make sense to me in any way, pride parades have never interested me, etc.). However, I understand their purpose and I won't deny them their right. In any case, I decided to identify as gay and accept that I don't really know what is going to happen in the future. It complicates things that I believe in the Book of Mormon and the Gospel of Christ as put forth by the LDS church.

The issue for me hadn't really been accepting being gay because I've lived with that knowledge all along. Putting a name to it, however, allowed me to begin to recognize the real issue: now what. What do I do with being gay and Mormon. Unfortunately, that conundrum has yet to be solved for my situation and I know that this is the same for many people. Too often people describe the solution as just leaving the church or just staying in the church. But can that really solve the question?

Well, that is where I'm at right now. Regular Mormon guy who likes guys. I serve actively in my ward, I study, I learn, I play, I fight, I cry, etc. And I'm gay. Interesting how things happen. Here's to the future and the possibilities that are endless. Only time will tell what paths will lead to where I should go in life. But, that can be discussed further. Peace and Blessings Y'all.

The Claim to Universal Truth

Well, congratulations. You've stumbled upon yet another gay Mormon blog. If you already haven't found a plethora of these, ask me and I'll refer you. The gay Mormon community has taken to the blogging sphere within the last couple of years trying to put their voice out there and receive some recognition from the world that Gay Mormons exist. Often the inherent contradictions that society see in "Gay Mormons" (and even both the Gay and Mormon communities) result in a adventurous, personal struggle that yearns a listening ear. However, the confusing messages from both gays and Mormons results in desire for anonymity which blogging can provide.

So, here I am. Just another one. Yet, I hope that my blog can offer a new perspective on what Gay Mormon actually means. I contemplated a "coming out" on my general blog--especially since my recent posts on homosexuality and gay-marriage have spurned some ridiculously negative comments asking me why I think I can speak on the subject. However, I want to avoid the stereotypical "coming out" over the internet, as it often transforms into a therapeutic reflection of self-acceptance of being gay. So, instead, I'm sticking to the cliche anonymous blogger.

There are two things that most gay-mormon-blog readers want to know about their authors: 1) Who is the author? Is his/her experience similar to mine? 2) Is the blog worth reading? Will it help me in any way? Is it different from the others? This post will respond to the second issue. In the near future I will give some descriptions of who I am.

However, let me give you a brief synopsis on what I hope to achieve with this blog. In my own journey with being a Gay Mormon, I've found no shortage of people claiming to be experts on how to deal with the situation or who think they know the answer to either a fulfilling, spiritually moral, or happy life. Everyone seems to have an opinion on the best way to deal with homosexuality and religion. At the same time, most Gay Mormons (including myself) have searched long and hard for the golden key to how to deal with being gay in a church whose doctrine prohibits homosexual behavior and whose culture has never seem to be the most "gay-friendly". 

We've all heard the usual solutions offered. Mormon doctrine/authorities tell us to keep a good relationship with God, read the scriptures often, never stop going to church, and most of all keep the law of chastity. My gay associates have had their own solutions: ditch the church, realize that Mormonism doesn't have a claim to morality, you can still love God and a man and the church restricts that ability, etc. However, what if neither of those choices was right? What if, dare I consider it, there is no answer? What if, there can be no claim to a universal truth by either side?

No one wants to hear the possibility of ambiguity or uncertainty. I think this is something gays, straights, and the world can share: we love control over our situation. Accepting the absence of a solution makes the future frightening to say the least! Yet, I suggest that due to the complex nature of the situation and considering every person's distinct being, their personal circumstances and exposure to homosexuality and their religion, their unique friends and family, etc. there is no solution that can fit everyone. In fact, I might even argue that there is no best solution for any individual person unless they themselves choose it. 

In essence, what I hope to do is explore the delicate issues that circulate homosexuality and Mormonism. I do not attempt to establish a framework that will offer solutions or that seems to suggest I have a bias towards one side or the other. I can assure you that as I stand right now, I have no idea what path I will take in regards to being a gay Mormon. Instead, I hope to open a discussion of what being a Gay Mormon entails, the difficulties and fun times (believe me, they exist), the sorrow and joy, and the possibilities. I don't want to close off any options to anyone because that is not for me to say what is right and wrong or what "truth" should become our standard.

So, I invite you to follow me on this journey of being a Gay Mormon. I invite participation and discussion. Please put comments down. If you feel that you have something to share, by all means. I even invite "guest bloggers" to draft a blog and send it to me and I'll publish it. Share with your friends, family, and everyone you know. The more people, the more dynamic and involved this discussion will become and the more I think it can help people understand the situation.

Eventually, with a greater understanding with what is happening, I hope each person can understand what path they want and should choose. Best of luck to all of you and thanks for reading!

If anyone is unfamiliar with the discussions about Gay Mormons, here is a good start:

I have my own opinions about some of the links he suggests, but I think overall they do a good job at bringing up the issue in mostly positive ways.